MINNEAPOLIS (CNN) – It’s almost time for the Super Bowl or, if you’re not within the roughly 250-mile radius that comprises both team’s fanbases, the fancy football game you’re socially obligated to watch despite your deep and almost bitter apathy towards the outcome.
Here’s everything you need to know if you actually want to sound smart in between commercials and pizza bagel binges.
Who’s playing in the Super Bowl?
Reigning Super Bowl Champs the New England Patriots will attempt a repeat against the Philadelphia Eagles.
How many Super Bowls have the Patriots won?
Five, all under the seemingly-unbeatable team of Tom Brady and Head Coach Bill Belichick.
How many Super Bowls have the Eagles won?
Zero! They have been to two, most recently in 2004 when they lost to …
hoo boy …
The New England Patriots.
Okay. Who are the quarterb–
TOM BRADY! Have you heard it’s Tom Brady? It’s Tom Brady, the 40-year-old human male; a living Black Mirror episode where an immortal football legend has his consciousness implanted in an avocado while timelord Bill Belichick’s team of New England scientists scramble to renew his muscle pliability using every drop of water in the Hoover Dam. Tom Brady is as hydrated as a jellyfish and as strong as an organic, free-range bear! Tom Brady doesn’t even know the word “death!” Or “carb!”
Oh, and the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles will be Nick Foles.
Nick Foles. I am not familiar with that name.
So, funny story: While everyone and their deceased great-great-grandmother knows who Tom Brady is, Nick Foles is actually the backup quarterback for the Eagles. Tom Brady is a 5-time Super Bowl Champion and the Eagles aren’t even starting their main guy!
First-string Eagles quarterback and Prince Harry’s body double Carson Wentz tore his ACL earlier this season, and what looked like an unfortunate end to a promising postseason bid was actually the beginning of an underdog run for the ages, led by none other than the 29-year-old Foles. Now, they are deservedly in the Super Bowl, facing a very formidable and well-nourished foe.
Wait, why aren’t we referring to it as Super Bowl LII?
The AP Stylebook, basically a bible to most writers and grammar sticklers, caused a minor crisis earlier this year when they announced the Super Bowl is properly referred to by the year it’s played. So for instance, this year’s Super Bowl LII should be the 2018 Super Bowl.
How can I watch it?
If you have normal cable, you can catch the game on NBC or any NBC affiliate. If you want to watch on your computer or device, NBC is streaming the game online and through their sports apps. And, good news! If you want to stream the game, you don’t even need a cable login. Just go for it.